I hadn’t watched a Wimbledon match in years. But one was airing on television in the morning, and Perry Mason wasn’t, so why not?

It was a men’s fourth round match and pretty thrilling, although almost entirely from the baseline. No one plays serve and volley anymore and that is a great loss for tennis of both genders. It gets kind of boring watching all the booming ground strokes. It’s so much more exciting to see players at the net and opponents trying to execute passing shots.

Oh well, I miss the Green Bay Packers’ “run to daylight” too.

Nevertheless, I was entertained and then something struck me as odd: the fact that Wimbledon still uses people to officiate shots and serves and some serves in the men’s game often reach 130 mph!

But there they were, some men and women clearly in their 50s, 60s and perhaps even 70s, many wearing glasses (!) calling the lines while standing behind or to the side of players. It all seemed so quaint and absurd, especially since they have a super fancy computerized system to overcome erroneous calls! Why not just use the system the whole time and have a noise sound in or out?

I made this comment to my dad, who was watching with me, and he was adamant that human beings remain on a tennis court calling lines. No more computers! Retain the human element even though it is routinely overruled by computers.

I wasn’t really sure what I thought on the issue. I know there is considerable talk about removing home plate umpires with robots in Major League baseball because of their wildly inconsistent and totally arbitrary strike zones. (In fact, there is a pilot project to test robot umpires in one of the minor leagues.)

A robot home plate umpire! No more arguments with the batters or hitters or managers! Who throws out the pitcher when he purposely throws at a hitter in one of those retaliatory stupidities in baseball?

And speaking of robots…what about having one replace the ball boys and ball girls at Wimbledon, the ones that frequently get smashed in the face by balls or trip and tear a tendon?

Of course, if ball boys and ball girls are replaced, who tosses the balls to the servers? Maybe a robot could do that, too. Of course they could!

What a strange thing it would be to watch robot judges and lackeys interact with human beings in sporting events.

In light of the recent Kennedy vs Bremerton School District Supreme Court decision that now allows public school coaches/teachers to engage in Christian prayer with their students/athletes while on the job, I have an idea for a short story or film. It goes something like this:

Since the decision allows proselytizing by public employees of any religion, a firebrand liberal and atheist social studies teacher and football coach working at Grants Pass High School (mascot Cavemen) decides he wants to call attention to the blatant violation of the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment by practicing Satanism with his players in precisely the same manner as the coach in Bremerton did—pray at the 50-yard line of a football field after games.

In a bit of delicious and hellacious irony, the Cavemen open their season at home against a Eugene Catholic high school, Marist (mascot Flagelators). Oh, the press will eat that up! So will the Catholics on the Supreme Court! They love seeing public school teachers practicing religious freedom on the public’s dime.

The coach recruits a dozen or so players to join him in worshiping Satan after the game. He doesn’t tell them its a comic protest. They think it’s the real deal. It was easy to recruit them. They love Satan and they love their coach and teacher. His word is gospel. He is the most inspiring teacher at Cave Junction High School! And Satan is their dark lord and master. They’d run through brick walls for Beelzebub!

The Cavemen blow away Marist, 66-6.

After the victory, the coach leads some of his players to the 50-yard line. They kneel around him, take off their helmets, bow their heads, and form devil’s horns with their hands. A couple of cheerleaders join them, too.

Parents and school officials don’t know what is going on. They gather around to find out. One parent decides to film the moment.

The coach prays: We prostrate before you Master Satan and promise our eternal fealty for delivering this great victory against the followers of Christ—that false prophet also known as Jesus.

We long to live and serve you in the fiery furnace of Hades, and luxuriate in sin and wickedness.

Oh thank you Dark Lord! And help us defeat the Tillamook Cheesemakers next week.

All hell breaks loose. There is murder in the hearts of the parents and school officials. But, hey it’s Constitutionally protected free speech! Thank you Supreme Court!

An hour later, the YouTube video has garnered ten million hits and thousands of public school teachers around the country decide they want to adopt Satanism as their religion and freely and lawfully practice it on the job with their students.

Okay, I’m still working on this idea, but I like how it’s going so far. (Note to self: I need to work in Deviled Ham Spread finger sandwiches into the story. Maybe the coach has his player take them like communion at the 50-yard line.)